Much of the conversation about the shidduch crisis has centered around the age gap—a real and pressing issue. But there’s another factor at play, one that quietly distorts the dating landscape: the way financial support is distributed in our system. In the current model, boys—especially those from less affluent backgrounds—are not expected to provide financial support when they marry. Instead, they often find themselves benefiting from “marrying up”, securing matches with wealthier families who offer generous financial backing. This may seem like an advantage, but in reality, it creates a deeply unfair dynamic. By allowing boys from simpler backgrounds to pursue wealthier families, we are unintentionally shrinking the dating pool for girls from similar economic circumstances. Instead of being able to build a home with a boy from their own world, these girls find themselves left behind as the boys they would normally be compatible with are drawn toward financially advantageous matches. At the same time, boys are given an overwhelming number of options, further skewing the balance in their favor. This effect is compounded by the age gap, which allows them to continually “trade down” in age while still prioritizing families that can offer financial support. Some may argue that a boy deeply devoted to learning should be given the opportunity to receive financial backing, ensuring he can stay in kollel without financial stress. But what about the girls from simpler backgrounds—the ones who are willing to live modestly and support their husbands’ learning through their own hard work? These girls are just as committed to a Torah lifestyle, yet they are being systematically overlooked because they don’t come with a sizable financial package. It doesn’t have to be this way. A solution already exists within the heimishe community, where both families contribute to financial support. This model ensures that matches are based on compatibility, values, and shared goals, rather than who can offer the biggest check. And there’s an added benefit: A more balanced financial arrangement is healthier for the long-term stability of a marriage. When both sides contribute, there is less pressure on one family, reducing resentment and fostering a greater sense of partnership. The shidduch crisis is not just about numbers—it’s about the unspoken rules that shape the process. If we want to create a fairer and more sustainable system, we need to take a hard look at how financial expectations influence the way matches are made. Because in the end, marriage should be about building a life together—not about who can buy their way in. Sincerely, Name Withheld The views expressed in this letter do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.