In a strongly worded response to what they see as an alarming trend, the roshei yeshiva of Ponevezh have launched a campaign against the increasingly lengthy “final meeting” between chassanim and kallos during the engagement period. The yeshiva leadership made their position clear at an urgent gathering with members of Vaad Beis (advanced bochurim in shidduchim), firmly drawing red lines regarding conduct between the engagement and the wedding.
In recent years, extended outings and prolonged private interactions between engaged couples have become more common, a shift that deeply disturbs the leadership of the yeshiva. This is especially true regarding the so-called “final meeting,” which, according to reports, has ballooned into hours-long encounters.
In a meeting held at the home of Rav Dovid Miller, one of the roshei yeshiva, both he and Rav Chaim Peretz Berman delivered impassioned remarks to the bochurim, aiming to reestablish traditional boundaries and halachic norms.

Rav Miller opened by reminding the young men that the entire process of shidduchim must be approached with kedusha, and not as a matter for public discussion among peers. “These are not conversations to be passed around among friends,” he said. “Such decisions must be guided by a bar samcha, a person with authority.”
Addressing the issue of extended pre-wedding meetings, Rav Miller stated unequivocally: “There is no heter to casually gaze at a woman. There is no heter for frivolity. The only heter that exists is for what is necessary. Beyond that, there is no permission—none at all.”
He emphasized that clear guidelines exist for how an engaged couple may interact and that these were determined by the mashgichim and are available from them. “Every bochur should request the minimal set of rules from the mashgichim—those rules are designed to be universally applicable.”
Rav Miller issued a stark protest against the notion of a long, final meeting before the wedding. “I want to register a macha’ah. I see no heter in the world for this so-called last date. This indulgence in hours of interaction and mind-sharing is beyond comprehension. I don’t know who came up with this, but in my opinion, it is deeply inappropriate. I am concerned it could lead to actual issurim, and we may be dealing here with a safek d’Oraisa. How is this fitting for a ben Torah?”
Following him, Rav Chaim Peretz Berman expressed shock at how far the practice has gone. “A year and a half ago, someone told me about a meeting lasting more than two hours. Today I hear twelve hours? I said, ‘They’re lying.’ I didn’t believe it. It never occurred to me that such a thing could exist. It’s insane. What is this?”
He repeated with astonishment, “What is this thing?” emphasizing that such behavior is entirely foreign to a Torah lifestyle. “With this kind of conduct, how can one be mekadesh es amo Yisroel al yedei chuppah v’kiddushin?”
Rav Berman also decried the practice of constant gift-giving during the short period between engagement and marriage. “Why squeeze silliness and nonsense into such a short time? Another gift and another gift from the chassan to the kallah—in our day, such gifts were forbidden! Only the parents could give gifts. It was outright assur.”
{Matzav.com Israel}