I’m sitting here on a motzei shabbos at 4:00 in the morning. It has been a very brutal shabbos for me and as hard as I tried, I wasn’t able to sleep. I went out for a drive and parked near the ocean. Looking out, watching the extreme darkness over the normally beautiful waters of the ocean, I can’t help but draw a parallel to my current emotional state. On a typical sunny day, I can spend hours gazing at the beautiful ocean. The gorgeous blue waters of the sea mirror the beautiful blue sky. I can listen to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore in perfect symmetry, crashing aloud yet so soft at the same time. As I would look further into the sea, I would see how the sky and the water become one. It’s as though the water is telling me that I can reach the sky if I put my mind to it. However, on this dark night, I see none of that. No sky. No water. No waves. Nothing other than pure and absolute darkness. Looking back into my dark car, into myself, into my soul, I feel one with the vibe I’m getting. I too am feeling so dark. So alone. So lonely and so full of pain. Although I’ve heard you all say that my soul is bright and that I need to look at the beauty within me, right now, in the darkness of my soul, I see and feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing. No soul. No family. No love. Nothing at all other than extreme darkness. I’m here alone, in the darkness of the night sitting with the darkness in my soul. If you’d see me tomorrow, you’ll see a man with a beautiful ocean. I have an amazing spouse and children. I have a great job. I own a house. While I agree I have a lot to be grateful for, and believe me I don’t take that lightly, right now, I’m in the midst of a very dark period. There is no one out there throwing me a lifeline. There are no ships coming to lift me above the brutally cold waters. It’s me and my soul; hurting, haunted and shattered from all the abuse and trauma I’ve endured. While I know I’m safe and that this wave of darkness will pass as I’ve been here many times before, I can’t help but wonder about the many whom aren’t really safe. I have been in therapy for many years. I’ve been working on myself with every modality I can get my hands on, tried all sorts of treatments, yet I still have times like this. However my heart bleeds for the ones that are at the beginning of their healing journey. For the ones in the midst of this all, perhaps not as safe as I am now. My heart aches while thinking of their hopelessness, helplessness and loneliness. My heart bleeds for their pain. While I do acknowledge that our community has made great strides in the world of mental health, it’s simply not enough. There still exists an enormous amount of shame and stigma specifically in the male Jewish community. I’ll be heading back home soon and as I’ll be driving back, I know I’ll […]