Dear Mommy and Totty, I hope this letter finds you both well, but I have to admit, I’m not doing so great, but you knew that already. There are things I need to tell you, things I’ve been keeping locked away inside for too long and I’m not sure if it is safe for me to express myself. I’ve been feeling so confused lately, like I’m stuck in a maze with no way out. You know how you’ve always talked about those people who claim to be victims, saying they’re just seeking attention? I’ve heard you, and I’ve nodded along, perhaps I even believed your line of thinking. But that was before “it” happened. And “it” was something that I’m not proud of. “It” is something that is still confusing to me. “It” is being abused myself. The person who hurt me, who did things to me that I can’t even bear to think about, they’re someone you both trust. They’re someone who the whole community sees as a tzaddik, someone who could never do anything wrong. And that’s what makes it so hard for me to speak up. I’ve been taught my whole life to never let this happen to me. But somehow, I couldn’t stop it from happening. And now I’m terrified that if I tell you, you’ll blame me for not stopping it, for not being strong enough. I feel so disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen, for not being able to protect myself. But there’s something else too, something that’s been eating away at me. There’s a manipulation aspect to all of this. The abuser said really hurtful things to me. Things that are getting me to question my own reality. Things that make me wonder if I’m actually the victim here. Things that make me believe I will make things worse if I tell people. Things that make me think that I’ll be responsible if something terrible happens to the abuser or the innocent members of his family. The abuse is the reason behind my changed behavior. I’ve been trying to cope with it on my own, but I’m drowning in confusion and guilt. I don’t know if I can trust anyone anymore, and that includes trusting myself. How can I trust anyone when the person who hurt me was someone I trusted, someone you trusted, someone the whole community trusted? I need you both to understand how much I’m struggling right now. I need you to be the protectors that I’ve always believed you to be. I need you to help me find the strength to speak my truth, even when it feels impossible. I need you to find a way to show me that this wasn’t my fault. That I’m not broken. That I will be believed and that I can transform from victim to survivor. I need you to realize your limitations when it comes to this. I need you to accept that not only will I need professional support, but you might need it as well. I need to know that you have my back, even if it means backlash from the school and/or our community. I need to be shown that I’m the priority here and that none of this is my fault. But you can’t show me […]