Dear Matzav Inbox,
I recently witnessed something in shul that left me deeply disturbed. A father was visibly frustrated with his son for not davening and not sitting still enough in shul. His anger was palpable.
This father is out to lunch.
And he’s destroying his kid.
As we approach the Yomim Noraim, this moment was a painful reminder of how many parents are pushing their children off the derech without even realizing it.
Shul is supposed to be a place of connection—a place where we can come close to Hashem, and teach our children to do the same. But for far too many kids, shul has become a battleground. Fathers, in their earnest desire to pass on the importance of davening, are forgetting that young minds and hearts need to be nurtured with patience and understanding.
The image of a child being scolded for not behaving “appropriately” in shul sends a message that tefillah is more about compliance than connection.
Do we expect young children to immediately grasp the depth of tefillah, or the gravity of the Yomim Noraim? It’s a process that takes years—decades even—before davening feels like more than a set of rules to follow. Children, especially young boys, have active minds and bodies that naturally resist sitting still for long periods of time.
The way to instill a love of davening is not by imposing it with threats or anger, but by guiding them with warmth, encouragement, and yes, flexibility. Let them go outside if they need to. Let them fidget. Let them even go home if it’s too much.
Stop forcing them!
We must remember that what we are modeling for them in these early years will shape their lifelong relationship with davening.
How tragic it would be if, in our zeal to teach them to daven properly, we end up making them dread shul altogether. Forcing tefillah down their throats—telling them to “sit down,” “stop moving,” “just say the words”—is not just ineffective, it’s destructive. The very same child who is berated in shul will grow up associating davening with discomfort, frustration, and resentment. Is that really the goal?
As we prepare for the Yomim Noraim, it’s important for all parents to take a step back and reflect. These days are about reconnecting with Hashem and striving to improve ourselves for the year ahead. What better time to improve how we approach our children’s davening as well? Let’s focus on fostering a positive experience in shul. Be the parent who smiles when their child looks up from their siddur. Be the parent who offers praise for every small step, who makes their child feel proud of their effort, no matter how imperfect it may be.
If a child learns that shul is a place where they are loved, encouraged, and free to connect to Hashem at their own pace, they will grow into adults who cherish the time spent in davening. But if they learn that shul is a place of judgment, criticism, and pressure, they will drift away, chas v’shalom.
This isn’t just a message for the Yomim Noraim. It’s a message for every Shabbos and every weekday davening throughout the year. We have a responsibility to our children and to the future of Klal Yisroel to cultivate an atmosphere of understanding, kindness, and respect in our shuls. Let us be the parents who inspire—not through force, but through the gentle embrace of love and patience.
May we all merit to raise children who, with time, come to treasure their relationship with tefillah and find true joy in connecting with the Ribono Shel Olam.
Sincerely,
A Parent
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