Dear Matzav Inbox,
I have read about the incredible organization Broken Ties, and commend them for trying to help children reconnect with their parents. May I please share the following observations, which may inspire – hopefully at least one child – to grab the moment and make the effort to reconnect.
On one of my travels, I overheard American parents summarizing their relationship with their kids. All their kids fit into one of three categories. Those who think they were abused. Those who think they weren’t loved. And those who think they were underappreciated.
One does not need to know advanced mathematics to realize how many of those kids were left with a working relationship with the parents.
B”h in our circles things are not that bad. But unfortunately, even some solid, frum, young men and women have burned the bridge with their parents; and in many instances using the smallest miscommunication to justify it.
I know of balanced homes in which a child suddenly “fell off the grid”; in one extreme case even after five years of happy marriage. Everything had been picture-perfect until then – until some minute “infraction” overturned the apple cart. Just like that, the relationship went up in smoke, with minimal remorse.
Obviously, one cannot generalize or condemn, but such justifications usually did not produce this outcome in earlier generations. And so many feelings are hurt, making it almost impossible to repair.
Let us go back in time – though not so far, and present a case study where the issues are starkly clear:
A young boy survived the tides of war and the crematorium, dragging his emaciated body through the fields of Europe until he was saved bchasdei Hashem. A few months later he was introduced to a young girl who had also experienced a similar ordeal. Neither had a family nor a place to call home. They only had each other.
If there was one thing they promised each other on their wedding night, it was that their own children would never know suffering, or even hear the horrors their parents endured.
Obviously, this is excruciatingly difficult, but with the strength and love only a parent can produce, they kept the pain bottled in their hearts, only seeking the best for their children. And their children grow up lacking nothing. The toys and playthings in their room were the stuff of dreams for their parents in their own childhoods.
But, one day, the children mature. Becoming teenagers and young married couples, they are suddenly thrust into a world of emotional struggles and challenges, many of everyday life, or of child rearing their own.
And they grow frustrated by the endless grind, feeling inadequate to face challenges that others seem to face effortlessly. This makes them wonder about their upbringing, wondering if perhaps their parents hadn’t spoken the “the language of the times” or were periodically “detached”.
And oftentimes these children decided it was “unhealthy” continuing a relationship with “detached parents”. And after consulting with various “experts” (who never bothered speaking to the parents) they severed family ties.
Now think about it from those parents’ perspective:
One cannot imagine their excruciating pain. With no other family, their children were their life and purpose of existence. No suffering or suppression of emotion was too great for them to bear for their children’s sake. And then suddenly they are tossed out like so much garbage.
Even the greatest pain these parents experienced in the Holocaust cannot equal the pain of the gaping hole in their hearts. And, yes, their hearts sometimes gave way, as their children sent them off prematurely to their eternal rest, returning only much later to ask forgiveness with a minyan at their graveside – if at all.
These were people who had seen their parents and sweetest little siblings being dragged before a firing squad or expiring from hunger before their eyes. Which human being alive today can fathom the stamina it must have taken to rise from the ashes and build a frum and loving home?
One wonders if children ever realize what it takes to raise them. At times, it seems to take years of hurt until they finally realize why their parents did what they did.
One young genius expressed it best: “When I was 17 my parents were so unintelligent I could not even stand next to them, but after I turned 22, I was amazed how much they had learned in 5 years.”
Parenting is the greatest expression of Chesed. Parents give and give and give. After it hurts, they give some more; even if we are the ones that hurt them. They believe in us, and care for us day and night, without expecting a thank you in return. And technically there is no way to thank someone who has lived for you – aside from trying your utmost to give them nachas.
Maran Harav Ahron Leib Shteinman zt”l was once asked why people live longer these days. He replied, “in order that children be given more opportunity to honor their parents.” This is probably because we only realize what our parents have done for us later in life – and then we start respecting them properly.
Why is this all suddenly happening?
Perhaps we can explain this as follows:
The Yerushalmi teaches us that a person who is benefiting from somebody else is embarrassed to look at him straight in the face. Incredibly even a plant which received its nourishment from a neighboring plant will face away from the plant providing its nutrition.
In this vein, the Ramchal teaches us that Hashem created this world so that we earn our Olam Habah through the sweat of our efforts, otherwise we will never enjoy its reward. If we were born into a glorious nitzchiyus, we would be too ashamed to accept it. Similarly, brias haolam necessitated a state of darkness in order to appreciate the light – and this remains the prerequisite of growth for all time. You can only grow if you have faced challenges in life.
Seforim Hakedoshim teach that the relationship of parents and children mirrors our relationship with Hashem – and based on this one can suggest, that perhaps it is because we are smothering our children with an overdose of materialism that this problem is getting worse, not because they aren’t getting enough.
This helps explains the natural need for a child to feel independent after receiving everything so easily. Or the painful lack of fulfillment teenagers feels living a life devoid of challenge. And then, almost without understanding why themselves, some youngsters begin acting obnoxious toward their parents.
But obnoxiousness is not the solution.
As youngsters we need to remember Chazals lesson – that even if your father walks up to you in front of a whole room of people and spits in your face, you must still treat him with respect!
Think about it. It could be rather embarrassing – getting spit at in front of a whole room of people – especially a room full of your friends. Yet, say Chazal, this is not grounds to mistreat parents.
This means there are very few instances that justify such behavior. And even when there is – a child will never comprehend the pain they are putting their parents through until they themselves are parents. And that is reason itself.
As the Chofetz Chaim would say, wrongdoings between people are repaid in this world.  What goes around comes around. And it goes without saying – that that will be a real challenge to face, way harder than the daily grind.
I’m not saying that you need to live in your parents’ home with your spouse and children or answer every uncomfortable call. But one cannot delete one’s parents from one’s life. If you want nachas from your own children, no methods or parenting courses will bring it if your parents aren’t getting nachas from theirs. It doesn’t work that way.
So, this is a time to repair bain adam lachaveiro – and what better chaveirim does a person have, other than their own parents and family? When all else fails, your family usually comes through. So, ask your Rav or Rebbi for advice, and fix it step by step. It may not be easy – but get there.
And people aren’t getting younger, so do it before it’s too late.
Wishing everyone much Hazlacha in their journey of life,
A Friend Who’s Been There
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