Dear Mother in Pain,
Please do not be ashamed that you felt it was necessary to reach out to me for help in such a difficult time in this child rearing stage. I’ve been waiting to hear from you! Hashem has been waiting to hear from you!
My dear daughter, I am looking at you and feeling your pain. I’ve been watching you and Davening for you all these years. The wonderful person you have become, growing up as part of such a beautiful community led by very special dedicated Rabbonim and Askonim. (Here we do not refer to that as a system but rather as a Kehilla). I too grew up in such an environment and treasure that zechus.
Unfortunately, I never had the zechus to feel the pain of a biological daughter who suffered the terrible feelings and emotions of rejection. However, “my girls” shared their feeling of being the social outcasts of their time and we did whatever we could to grow from those challenges. Together we shared that pain many times over, in a small way, similar to the difficulties you have been facing.
The financial challenges of providing for my “daughters” at a time that not everyone felt that our type of schooling was necessary were enormous. Knowing that money couldn’t be the protagonist that stopped the monumental achievements we looked to accomplish, we realized we needed to reach out to whoever we could to help us reach our financial goals. We understood the chinuch of our girls is priceless. We weren’t creating a luxury for anybody, rather just making sure that it was our priority to do whatever necessary to make that opportunity for proper chinuch available.
You cry for the loss at a chance for individuality. I too cried about individuality. That was a big challenge back then! Our precious daughters were watching the outside influences creeping into our insulated communities and telling them, “Get enlightened! You don’t need to be like those old people, the relics from a generation that’s gone!” Oy! The hours and kochos I put into instilling the value of emulating and replicating the ways of our ancestors. I toiled at imparting the intrinsic beauty, of a bas Yisroel specifically and Klal Yisroel as a whole, of tznius in our actions, our homes, and our attire. The more similar we are the greater the achdus and lesser material focus we have.
The beauty of a common group with a common goal! The happiness of being free of envy and the plague of endless unfulfilled wants. That is a source of our happiness! That was how I infused them with the beauty of Yiddishkiet!
How I cry for all my precious girls that have strayed. How I daven and hope for those that struggle with their Yiddiskeit. How I wish each one could find that special person who will strengthen them and show them the true beauty they are leaving behind and the horrible loneliness and sadness they will endure on that ill-fated journey they are heading for. Oh, if they could be taught to conform and fit in so that they can be comfortable and feel their true self-worth.
My dear daughter, please think open-mindedly about what I’m about to tell you.
Nobody makes a person feel useless and unworthy if they are feeling good and sure about themselves beforehand. It pains me to watch the negativity instilled in children by “do gooders” who justify a child’s feelings of rejection when they were just not being placed in a surrounding that was congruent with their home. They need to know that they were not rejected, they just went to a place where they did not belong in the first place.
Think about it! If you had heard of a place that is safe to send your dear child without needing to worry for her safety. You then went there and upon arrival you found dangers strewn all over. Rightfully so, you would be terribly disappointed. Revelations that the powers that be allowed dangerous people or items unchecked, would surely cause you to be upset with them. Worse, would be if you left your precious child under their care and only found out later about the possible dangers. Then you’d be furious.
This holds true for any Bais Yaakov that guarantees to maintain a standard and then allows families that don’t keep too to that standard join later unbeknown to others. Even if the girl herself is a wonderful precious gem it would still be inappropriate.
Let’s also try to understand; You are pained by the actions of those responsible to keep the financial stability of the Mosdos. A child should never be shamed publicly. Who caused that shame? Did the parents not know that they owe money to the school? Did they check beforehand if they had permission to send the child so that they don’t cause them embarrassment? Did those parents offer any payment plan to avoid this? Have those parents made any other efforts to help shoulder the financial responsibilities that they are not able to meet?
My dear child I know you are in pain and struggling. Know, you are not the only one. However, maybe instead of surrendering it’s time for a better frame of mind and more positive attitude. Don’t wonder what Hashem wants from you, He wants nothing from you – HE WANTS YOU! Maybe it would help to focus inside instead of out.
Hashem loves you; you are his special child. Hashem loves your children; they are his special children. Remember, He was one of the three partners in their creation. Hashem has all the means to cover their tuition responsibilities. Could it be he wants you to change something in yourself or your family to enhance and protect that partnership. Perhaps He isn’t sending a message that he needs your help to try to change others. Could it be that you are passing judgement on the wrong educator and administrator? Is it at all possible that the annihilation the He worries about is coming from a breakdown in the relationship between Him and his children and not between his children and educators or administrators who give their lives to perpetuate his Torah?
My dear daughter, I truly hope your pain is eased quickly. I daven that you should feel your strongest partner, Hashem Himself, guiding you toward the easiest possible solutions. Most of all I wish you could replace the negativity and feelings of rejection with love, hope and positivity so that your wonderful daughters will see and feel acceptance and pride in who they are.
Thank you again for reaching out to me. IY”H soon we will rejoice together when we return from the greatest rejection of all, with the coming of Moshiach.
With Love & Tears,
“Frau Schenirer”
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